An Open Letter to an Extremely Small Niche Group (Flowchart included)

I was an early adopter of Gmail, so I was lucky (unlucky?) enough to get my first initial/last name as my email address.  Unfortunately, all the S Brownes who were late to the party — those who use sbrownesomerandomnumber, for instance — always seem to forget that they are not me, and they give out my email address for everything.  EVERYTHING.  I even have a dedicated label in my Gmail titled “Email For People Who Aren’t Me.”  Sometimes I respond to the people writing the emails to let them know that I am not the person they think I am.  But usually I ignore it or laugh at it because hey, I’m no superhero.

Through the years I have been sent:

  • A series of sweet notes from a seemingly elderly woman to her daughter.
  • A picture of a vagina.
  • Numerous resumes.
  • Mortgage applications.
  • Relocation papers.
  • Birth announcements.
  • A picture of a penis.
  • Participation in an office “football” pool (not real football).
  • Requests for advice on many varied topics, like how to effectively kill head lice.
  • Reviews for my hotel in Ireland.

So for Shelly, Steve, Shaniqua, Scott, Sean, Shelby, Sharon, Sam and Sarah, this flow chart is for you and all of your friends, creditors, family members, and stalkers.